Howard Webb Signs For Man Utd

So called referee Howard Webb, is set to sign for Manchester Untied. The move is expected to be worth 30 points for Man Utd. The move comes after Man Utd have been having injury trouble in the centre back position, and the deal should help as it includes a clause that says Webb "can't allow any oppositions goals to stand".

Ferguson him self said "we've been trying to sign web on a full time contract, as we have had brief spells with him in the past but nothing for long periods in time. But I feel this move will be good for both parties, mine and his. But I might not have mine and might go to his instead."

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BORIS JOHNSON CRASHES BIKE into NEW Routemaster Bus

Boris Johnson has today been spotted by London commuters as he crashed straight into the front of one of the New London Route-master Buses. Only a few exist as I speak, and are on trial only on specific routes. Mr Johnson is well know for his love of bicycles, as he is often shouted at by angry people while riding to and from work.

Boris escaped the calamity uninjured, swiftly cycling off to work, moaning to passers by about the buses being in his way. No video footage of the accident was captured, but this photo was taken by a passing Chinese tourist.

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BLACKBERRY BOUGHT BY INNOCENT DRINKS

Blackberry (a RIM company) is set to be sold to Innocent Drinks Ltd, the drinks company now mostly owned by Coca-Cola.

Innocent are likely to acquire Blackberry as they need blackberry's for a new component for there new smoothie, which is Black berry flavour.

Blackberry our going through some serious financial difficulties, since they encountered technical problems this year. They have a very high Gearing ratio, as well of having a ROCE that is so low, you don't earn anything. There non-current liabilities are also more than they have earned in the last 10 years of trading and the current litlities are so big they will have to close down production, if something is done soon.

But innocent should soon have them on the road to recovery, provided the deal goes ahead. Critics say the deal may mean that Blackberry phones suffer but others think it will make them like they used to be "smoothies".

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POOL IS RACIST !?!?

The game pool is set to be banned in some states of America. A group of black US homeboys signed a petition to either have the roles of the cue ball and the coloured black ball reversed, or to have the game banned completely.

This comes after black US citizens felt that the white cue ball knocking the coloured balls around was racist, and they now see it is time that the black ball knocks down some whities.

After being signed by over 10 million black US citizens, the petition has been passed onto congress, and has now been made official law in the states of California, Texas and New York, for the game to be banned. It has also been made official law for the game to have the cue ball and black ball's roles reversed in 12 other US states.

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Class A Drugs delivered to 10 Downing Street

Recent video footage captured by an ex MI 5 agent has shown a police escort carrying large amounts of Class A drugs. They are though to be heading to no. 10 Downing Street, the home of the British Prime minister, David Cameron.

The drugs are thought to be given to MP's who share valid points which could benefit the lives of British citizens. Instead of the government taking any notice of these MP's, they simply hand out drug packets, in the hope that the MP's will forget the point they were making altogether.

This is yet another way of the British government silencing the truth coming from the country, and another way of reducing costs. To further reduce costs, and improve British manufacturing, it is thought that the drugs are produced and processed in the UK.

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SUAREZ BANNED FOR DOING NOTHING!

After apparently being racist to Manchester Utd's Evra, Liverpool's number 7 has been banned from football for 8 games.

SUAREZ defended his actions, by saying "I said he was playing very well but he's a cunt, not because he's black, but because he's a man utd player"

"It's not my fault I don't speak English or French. It's just poor translation on his part, so I tryed acting it out to him, I did a monkey impression,  to say I don't speak English or French. Meaning I'm stupid for not  knowing English. He must have translated it to all black people are Monkey's!"


This quote then became the headline of The Sun and the Daily Mail "All black people are monkeys".

So the moral of the story is just don't speak!

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TEAM AMERICA DOES IT JOB, AS Kim Jong Il dies!

The North Korean dictator has died. Sending the message round the world that Team America has killed him. It has also sent the everyone into a day of celebration worldwide. The day will be called "The Twats dead day".

Team America was arrested on suspension of murder. However Team America has been released on bail but it is expected Team America had a big connection with his death.

Whether this message is true or not, it shows that the films message has been a success. "America Fuck yeah!"

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LAPD Dislodge Jellybean Caught In Throat With Handgun

Socked citizens of Los Angeles looked on in horror today as an LAPD officer assisted a man, who at the time was choking on a jellybean, by shooting into his mouth, in an attempt to dislodge it.

One shot was fired by the officer, with the man choking quickly jolting afterwards. The jellybean had been successfully dislodged, but the man died just 30 minutes later at a nearby hospital, due to massive head, neck and spine trauma.

The LAPD officer has been held on suspension, but is expected to return to his duties, protecting the streets of Los Angeles, later next week.

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Wayne Rooney Vs Frankie cocozza

Wayne Rooney Vs Frankie cocozza who would win?

Rooney has the kicking advantage but then again Frankie cocozza has one speed one gear!... who wait that was another druggie. I don't think Rooney even needs to do anything! He can just wait for Frankie cocozza to OD.


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The 7 gifts NOT to give your Girlfriend for Christmas!

The 7 gifts NOT to give your COW... I mean Girlfriend for Christmas!

1) A bar of chocolate, this may seem like a good idea but she'll get pissed you're trying to make her fat!

2) A book of called "how to lose weight", even though she's said she's "trying to lose weight", will think you think she's fat and probably try and do something crazy like set your house on fire.

3) Money, this may seem like a good idea ,but the chances are she'll think you don't care, you should be more worried if she doesn't care, as I'm sorry to tell you she's a gold digger. If you don't have any money, I'm sorry to tell you she's special, not in the normal way but the type of special person who licks windows.

4) A text simply saying "Your dumped".

6) Nothing, you try and say it's what she said she wanted , as all she wanted was you. But she really means , if you don't spend over a grand on me we're through.

7) But the worst thing you get your Girlfriend Christmas is a gun, even if her favourite hobby is shooting, if you've given her the other gifts , she won't be happy and she'll kill your ass!

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The 7 Movies NOT to watch with your family this christmas!

1) Saw, you won't want your mum getting drunk on cherry and them getting the fright of her life, having a heart attack them dying do you? Ok maybe you do but I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MY CHRISTMAS up the Hospital!

2) Bruno, you don't want your slightly homophobic grand dad shouting at the TV and saying how all gays should die, do you?

3) Hostel, Pretty much the same reason as before but this time your dad is happy that your mum is dead!

4) The Human Centipede, who wants to see what they just ate on such a lovely occasion?

5) The Human Centipede II, if you didn't watch the first one you're not gonna watch this!

6) American Pie, your dad might try the whole pie thing, it wont end well.

7) Grotesque, any sex scene with family in the room is bad! This is something else!

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Government Spending More per Cow than it is per Human

After months of battling against the British government, the RSPCA has finally bought in a new law that all farms housing cows, must now include one cow wash for every 5 cows. This has come afetr secret video footage showed what was deemed by the RSPCA as 'unacceptable living conditions for cows'.

To improve the lives of cows, the government is spending £200,000 on cow washers which will now be installed into barns across the country. Each one consists of a stand, motor and scrubbing brush. Economic analysis suggests that each cow wash is produced for just under £2000.

The video below shows a few of them in action.

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Dora the Explorer is an illegal immigrant !!!

Dora the Explorer has been arrested for illegally living in America. See has now been deported back to Mexico , where she is going have to sell her body in order to make ends meat.

This shows the shocking reality about being a 8 year old girl. Dora has had a hard upbringing since her mum sold her to buy drugs and Dora had to escape to America.

This shocking news has started an inquest into other children's characters like the Tweenies who are suspected of drugs possession, keep tuned to find out more!

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The 7 presents NOT to give your Dad this Christmas!

The 7 presents NOT to give your Dad this Christmas!

1) A bottle of whisky, your Dad might like a good drink but doing this will mean the inevitable occurs quickly, he becomes an alcoholic but denies it and defends his drink as it's "good for you". No its only good for you if wanna kill yourself. You might as well give him 50 oz's of heroin.

2)A pair of socks, although there cheap, they will just start him off talking about how in his dad socks used to last you a life time. The last thing you want on christmas day is history lecture!

3) An I Owe you, even if you've stolen all of your Dad's worldly possessions, it's Christmas let him find out in his own time, don't spoil the day. When he finds out you can alway pull a shocked face.

4) A fight, in reality Christmas's aren't perfect and the chances

are there will be some type of fight in your household and if not a physical fight there'll be a verbal fight!

5) A credit card bill, for this just put it in his wallet so he finds it later, don't spoil the moment!

6)  Don't give him anything, surprisingly your Dad does expect something in return for him bringing you into the world! There's got to be some law against making money through your kids , but We'll there cant be if China are doing so well!









7) BUT MOST IMPORTANT DON'T GIVE HIM ANY FUNCTION OR HE WILL FAKE A HEART ATTACK TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY!

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CHRISTMAS CANCELLED! SANTA ARRESTED!!

Santa has been arrested, on suspension of child labour and exploitation , as well as being in possession of 20 kilos of cocaine. He was also later charged with being the ring leader in a child prostitution gang , as well as the crimes above.

It turns out Santa's so called elf's are actually children as young as 4 paid nothing and forced to work 90 hours a week for Santa. Santa denied the charges. When question on it Santa said "no their my ... ho ho ho's". This lead to investigation taking a new twist finding that rented out his "elfs" to people for money to do what ever they want with them!

"This new is outrageous and can't believe this man is let near the kids of this world! This man is bad and lets hope he never gets released from prison! " said police inspector scrooge.

This probably means that christmas isn't able to occur this this and ever again! Who'd of thought it be so good not to celebrate Christmas!?

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Controversial Redneck Gene Expander Trial Goes Very Wrong

Scientists in the US have been trailing the use of the new, yet controversial Redneck Gene expresser, RG127, which has been created just shortly after the discovery of the Redneck Gene.

This  footage taken from a Louisiana cop car dash cam, show just how dangerous this drug can be when taken. The video shows what started out as a peaceful wedding, turning into a violent and ridiculous redneck rampage. The people involved are from middle to upper class backgrounds, showing what changes the drug can do to the body. At the time of this video being made, it was not known that the drug had been taken by anyone. It has also been found that when the drug is combined with alcohol, the effect of the drug increase tenfold.

Tasers were used to control the scene. It also took a dog unit to also control the scene.

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Justin Bieber & Billie Joe Armstrong planning secret marraige

Just Bieber and Billie Joe Armstrong have been keeping their secret relationship under wraps for the last 6 months. In this period, they have been spotted many times by paparazzi and media companies, but have paid them off in return for them not publishing any photos or information obtained.

They have recently been spotted on the tropical Island of Ipswich, and also enjoyed the festivities at Felixstowe market on Sunday mornings.

There have been many rumors and speculation about Justin Bieber being gay, but this is the first piece of clear evidence that has emerged, while Billie Joe Armstrong is openly gay. This news will come to shock of many bieber fans around the world, who will be shocked and heartbroken by the news.

This information has only just recently been leaked, and therefore should not be shared with anyone else!! 

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Shocking reason Ray William Johnson was banned

Ray William Johnson is is/ was the most subscriber youtuber of all time with over 3 million subscribers and millions of views per a video within hours of uploading his videos but today his account was suspended by youtube for an unknown reason until now.

We have been informed from several sources the reason Ray was banned is he too talented and funny for youtube. Youtube needed to suspend his account to give other channels a chance to catch up as he obtained an unfair advantage over the competition, luckily his account has since been reactivated

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110% OF TEENAGERS ARE ADDICTED TO DRUGS!!

A new study was carried out by Doctor BS from the institution of OMG found that shockingly 110% of British teens are addicted to some type of drug. The studied showed most british teens are addicted to Methadone or Cocaine.

The study was carried out over the long course of 2 days on a Junky from Glasgow. It found out shockingly ALL teenagers and kids are drug dependent. From not serious dependance on Heroin to serious addiction to coffee! 

This new evidence is so shocking that parents have stopped allowing there kids to inject heroin. Skeptics think these measures aren't going far enough! The legalisation of drugs council said "these measures aren't going far enough".

But the institution of mothers said " These changes have gone too far!! We can't keep our kids in cotton wool forever! I was already injecting 4 grams of Heroin a day by the time I was 9!"

This new evidence comes as parents of teenagers think they're all druggies and spend there time beating up old ladies. If you don't want this shocking new evidence to come to the public attention you won't like or re-tweet this ;) After if its on the internet it must be true!


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