Shocking Solution To Blood Shortages Found!

After serious concerns over potential blood shortages in London this year (due to the Olympics being held in London this year), scientists have been researching ways to get blood quickly and easily.

Dr Dre has come up with a revolutionary ,but shocking, way to get blood to anyone who needs it. Dr Dre (who has a Masters degree in farming) , has said to "just take blood from cows, innit".  

Dispute other advice by experts, David Cameron has decided to implement the idea across all of London. 

Cameron said at a press conference, "I think this is a great idea, I honestly can't see any problems with this!".

To me this idea seems perfect! What could possible go wrong? Well, I guess we'll jut have to wait and see!

Mark Zuckerberg Loses Adsense Account

Despite being worth over $19.1billion, Mark Zuckerberg (the creator of facebook) has been secretly working on his new blog http://Iamasellout.com . The site is a list of reasons Mr Zuckerberg is a sell-out, as well as a list of reasons you shouldn’t like him. The site was supposedly started to “double facebook’s income”. 

Zuckerberg was quick to realise that you cannot monetise websites without ads, so  Zuckberg placed some ads on the site.Dispute Facebook generating very little revenue from its adverts (compared to the number of user), adsense offered Zuckerberg a better return, so the ads Zuckerberg used weren’t even his own! 

However, Zuckerberg has since had to remove all of the ads from the website, as it is has been generating income of $1 billion per a day (despite only having one visitor a day).

When questioned by the BBC Zuckerberg said the following, “it’s like this, right… when you have as much money as me money has no value”

“these numbers you have quoted me a very low, right?”

So has Zuckerberg lost grip of reality? Or did the Facebook creator never have it in the first place?

Hodgson England Selection Made while on drugs!

The newly appointed England manager (Roy Hodgson) announced his England squad today at a press conference. The team is as follows:

Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy.
Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.
Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.
Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.
Standby - Jack Butland, Phil Jagielka, Jordan Henderson, Adam Johnson, Daniel Sturridge.

As you can clearly see Hodgson has made bad calls in several areas such as, the exclusion of Rio Ferdinand and the inclusion of a girl (Carroll), as well as selecting someone who is inbred (Ruddy) and sellecting Dowing.

His bad decisions made him release the following statement:

 “I’m sorry I want to change the whole team, I was on a lot of drugs at the time and didn’t know what I was doing”

“they weren’t proper drugs they were painkillers , as I had my tooth pull yesterday”

“sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused”

The decision on Hodgson's new and improved side hasn't been annouced yet. But insiders tell us at least 1 of the team is over 12.

APPLE CRISIS

It's official. After months of secretive talks between Senior Management and the Apple Board, it has today been announced that Apple has run out of pixels. This has brought all manufacturing to a standstill as the Chinese Foxconn plant, just weeks are inspection checks on staff welfare.

Apple has contemplated sending out its products without screens, but this has been cancelled as it makes the products too hard to use.

During Apple's press release, it was announced that the late Steve Jobs, has hidden a capsule of pixels somewhere in the State of California, and Apple has released a $50,000 reward for the person that can locate the capsule.